


something's fishy

by astronomicallie



Series: astronomicallie's inktober 2019 [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Pranks and Practical Jokes, knees weak arms are heavy bait spaghetti, the other students are mentioned but claude ignatz and byleth get the most screentime, working title: fish noods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 06:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20887298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astronomicallie/pseuds/astronomicallie
Summary: “Shh.” Claude’s hands squeeze his shoulders once, before releasing him. “It’s herbase.You need to lead her away so we can sabotage her welfare.”“You’re swapping her bait out with chopped noodles.”“It’s…” Claude sighs, forlorn. “Not my best plot, no. But c’mon— this week has been duller than Raphael’s fork.”Ignatz isn’t even sure that makes sense.day 3: bait





	something's fishy

**Author's Note:**

> something shorter and sweeter for today because i have a lot to do... please forgive any grievous errors!

“Listen, Ignatz. My buddy. My guy. My bespectacled fellow.”

“Claude, I would prefer if you didn’t—”

“We _need_ _you_! Without you, the whole plan’s going up in smoke!”

Ignatz sighs heavily, the force of it sending his glasses down the bridge of his nose. “Why do _I_ have to be the bait?”

Claude, who apparently has thought through that very question extensively, starts rattling off names, ticking his fingers out for each one. “Hilda’s too obvious. She’s always got some sort of ulterior motive going on, and Teach is bound to be suspicious. Raphael is obvious but… in a totally different way. Lorenz said, and I quote: ‘Claude, even I could not have predicted that you would stoop so low as to pull one of your outrageous schemes over our own mentor…’”

Ignatz, in spite of himself, snorts at the accurate impression.

“… Lysithea’s still mad at me for yesterday, Leonie’s already in charge of disappearing the worms, and Marianne…” Claude pauses, tilts his head. “Well, I just don’t want Marianne thinking all she’s good for is being used in a prank.”

“Yet you’re making _me_ think that all I’m good for is being used in a prank, instead.”

“_Whaaaat?_” Claude reaches out, hands on Ignatz’s shoulders. “Don’t you realize? You’re the most important piece to the puzzle! We need you to lure her away so our agents can infiltrate her base of operations.”

Ignatz raises an eyebrow at him, though he’s coming around. He wishes he wasn’t so quick to cave at such obvious flattery. “The ‘base of operations’ is a dock, Claude.”

“_Shh_.” Claude’s hands squeeze his shoulders once, before releasing him. “It’s her _base_. You need to lead her away so we can sabotage her welfare.”

“You’re swapping her bait out with chopped noodles.”

“It’s…” Claude sighs, forlorn. “Not my best plot, no. But c’mon— this week has been duller than Raphael’s fork.”

Ignatz isn’t even sure that makes sense.

“It won’t do any real harm, right? We’re making the noodles ourselves, and it’s not like Teach is going to manage to injure herself with a bucket of them.”

They stare each other down. It’s a battle of wills, but if Ignatz knows _anything_ about Claude, it’s that when he’s got a plan in mind, the only thing stopping him is him coming up with a newer, better plan. He sighs once more, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “If I get in trouble for this…”

“For a couple noods? We’re not _tossing out_ that fancy bait of hers, we’re just… displacing it for a little bit.”

“Please,” Ignatz says through a grimace, “_never_ call it that again.”

“What? It’s fancy bait.”

“_You know what I mean_.”

* * *

Claude honestly wishes he could have gotten everyone in on this. What’s a better bonding activity between housemates than pulling a fast one on your teacher? But there’s not much that goes into the clockwork of a classic swap-out prank, and he doesn’t want to try anything _too_ elaborate just yet. No, they have to build cohesion amongst themselves first, like a well-oiled machine, so that whenever he _does_ come up with something truly brilliant, it will go off without a single hitch.

(He has ideas, of course, written down for when that time comes. But first he has to get everyone to trust him, to believe in him, and to _work together_. The Golden Deer are more of a diverse mix than the other two houses, that much is obvious— he sees bringing it together as practice for when he’s stitching whole nations back to harmony in the future. Everything has a purpose, see? Even if that thing is making your professor fish with noodles.)

He’s hiding in the greenhouse (which rarely ever has any snitches lurking around) with a bucket in his hands when he hears Ignatz’s memorable voice call out, “Professor?”

That’s his cue. Now, Ignatz has thirty seconds to get Teach away from the dock and off to talk about his next composition. Claude counts down from forty-five before he makes a move— there must be room for error, in prank practice. That, and Leonie’s supposed to swipe the original bucket first.

When he strolls out, heels clicking on the wood, he makes no move to be stealthy. It’s in a wide open space, that would be far too obvious. No, he steps confidently, the wood creaking under him as he approaches the edge of the dock. The original bucket is gone— off with Leonie, where she’ll be hiding it… who knows where, honestly. He had specifically let that up to her, to give her a bit of independence. (A display of trust, right? It gives people confidence in themselves.)

He looks down into his own bucket, at the noodles Hilda managed to boil up for the scheme. So far, so good— not that there are many steps. He sets the bucket down, and retreats off to their homeroom, _conveniently_ passing the secluded area where Ignatz has his easel set up. Claude’s well aware of how loud his outfit is, with the yellow cape, so he makes no sudden movement or sound to catch Ignatz’s attention. His mere presence should be easy enough to catch onto, and its meaning has been predefined: _Job__’s done. Nice work, soldier._

He hears Ignatz wrap things up with the professor, perhaps a bit too rushed— but that _could_ be construed as his nervousness about his painting being discovered. All in all, a successful prank.

Except in class, later that day, when Teach decides to greet them with a bucket on her desk. Claude refuses to glance at his co-conspirators, instead looking to the ones not involved and giving them confused looks.

(Lysithea narrows her eyes at him, but he shrugs it off.)

“Today, class,” Byleth says, her voice smooth and composed, “we will discuss the importance of audacity on the battlefield.”

With that, she takes a fork and digs it into the bucket, pulling out a helping of slimy, wormy… _well_. Claude supposes noodles look more like bait than he originally planned.

He only doubles down on that idea when Byleth takes the whole of her fork into her mouth, and Lorenz promptly faints over the desk.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter @astronomicallie
> 
> i hope you enjoyed, i want to write a longer piece someday with more of the golden deer cast... they're my original house, i can't just abandon them!! i just get so caught up in,,,, other things,,,, as always, comments/kudos/etc. are mega appreciated, and i hope you have a wonderful day!


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